Everything is Going Right, But Why Do I Feel So Out of Place?

Introduction:

It’s frustrating isn’t it? You have a job, and not just any job, a really well paid job. In fact, it was a job you have sought the entire time you were growing up. You got all the pieces in place and then smashed the interview or the process and now you have it made. But something doesn’t feel right. Or you have the perfect relationships, you have your partner, your kids, great friends, nice colleagues. You see you parents just about enough. You have the social life, the hobbies. Nothing is too overwhelming, and everyone seems to like you. But still, something doesn’t feel quite right.

“You can be anything you want to be, but you must first be yourself.” - E.E. Cummings

You are not alone. This happens all the time to people in varying degrees of “success”. But are you aligned with your purpose? Do you have an identity that is being fulfilled?

The Role of Identity:

Growing up, we are taught and often pushed towards a specific way of living. You must attend this level of education, you must then get a good job, get a house, have a family, make sure you set yourself up for retirement! But these are often the wants of the parents or guardians. They are the aims of the teachers or the role models in our lives. All these influences are pushing the societal status quo. Hey, there is nothing wrong with that per say. At the end of the day, all those things really do matter. But are all those things for everyone? Definitely not. So why do we operate as if this is the blueprint to life? What about personal fulfilment and authenticity?

You see, we have two parts to us really. One part is the image and story everyone else sees. That one looks great, you have the job, the family, the flash car. But the second part is the Self (think Inside Out 2 when they are trying to build a sense of self). This is your true identity and this part matters way more than that other part. You see plenty of successful people, wealthy and influential. But that is them and you are you. If I were to wear their life like a costume, it would be just that. A costume. So no matter what external success we bring ourselves, unless it is connected to our true identity, it will never fit. 

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” - Oscar Wilde

The Illusion of External Success:

This illusion or costume will probably feel quite nice for a while. It might be pretty fun, or it might just be a great escape from having to listen to your inner guidance. We all know that with a lot of success comes hit after hit of dopamine and serotonin (the feel good chemicals). But eventually it will fade. You will find yourself chasing the next excitement in order to get back those feel good chemicals. You might even be there already. When that happens, the negative thoughts and self-limiting beliefs start to get more frequent and louder. Shutting them up gets more difficult.

So what then? Well, if you don’t address the root cause, this misalignment, you start chasing more and more. Your negative thoughts leave you open to influence and now you start chasing the adverts on TV or social media. You see the influencers on TikTok and you think that is the best way to be. Now you start wearing more costumes that really don’t fit so well taking you further and further away from your own internal compass.

Signs You Might Be Out of Touch with Your Authentic Self:

By now, you might be saying, “well I already know this, get to the bit about how to change!” If so, please just give me a little more time. You see, not everyone knows it. They know something isn’t right, but cannot work out what. That’s because they can’t see past the costume they are wearing. 

So what does it look and feel like? Well you may have feelings of emptiness, unsatisfied by anything you try to fill it with. You might move from place to place, person to person, never feeling like you truly belong. You might be feeling overwhelmed by things, sometimes very small things, sometimes things you have always dealt with in the past. Or you might be constantly searching for more without knowing why.

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” - Carl Jung

All of these point to an identity misalignment. When it comes to feelings of emptiness, this means that what you live for isn’t there. If you lived by your purpose or identity, it would fill you, it would be your entire essence. If you had a true sense of yourself, you would move from place to place and person to person like it was your destiny. Someone who is truly in control of their identity would only be overwhelmed, when they knew it was coming. They would smash through life with absolute confidence. Once you find your true self, you only search if it is part of your plan. It is less searching and more navigating.

Why It Happens:

Now you might have known who you are, you might even still know who you are. When you get those moments of quiet and solitude, you might know exactly what your identity is. So why, even then, is it so hard to pursue?

A variety of factors can be at play here. There are many psychological and emotional reasons behind this disconnect. But let’s just pick on a few. The main one, fear of failure. This is like a paralysing fear that just stops you taking action. It is often a big leap to go from where you are to where you want to be, and the fall can be huge. It feels like jumping the Grand Canyon on a children's scooter. Another one that always pops up, imposter syndrome. Now this can show up in two ways, if you have all the success and it is what you wanted to do, your identity needs to believe in what is happening. This is imposter syndrome and your disconnect is that you don’t believe in your own success. But if you are not aligned and need to change, you don’t believe you have it in you to be that person. Imposter syndrome is one of the biggest things that comes up in my client work. The final one is another double avenue one, the pressure to live up to expectations. This keeps you very much locked where you are, but it also prevents you from walking out of the open door. On the one hand, you have the success, and you must keep providing or showing up. To turn your back on that would let people down. But on the other hand, you can see what you want to do, but what if you don’t live up to the expectations of others, or even yourself.

How to Reconnect with Your True Self:

What is the one thing I can offer you on this? Turn down the noise. That is the single biggest thing you can do. The noise, meaning external factors, expectations, opinions, is what is stopping you finding clarity. Once you have done that, listen. Truly listen to what your inner wisdom has to say. 

“At the centre of your being, you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” - Lao Tzu

Here’s the thing, your inner wisdom has been and will always be guiding you on the right path. It is this that you are disconnected from, and it is to this that you must return.

You can do this via journaling, self-reflection, meditation, explorative activities. Or maybe just by doing it.

But of course, I am also here to show you how I, or a coach like me, can help. As your Identity Coach, I specialise in turning down that noise and then signposting you back to your inner wisdom. We work closely for a few weeks on a 1:1 basis to turn down the noise, return you to yourself, bring up what the inner wisdom wants you to know, and then we do it again and again until your philosophy changes.

Above you have all the reasoning as to why you are here. If you want to test it and see if this is your issue, start with exploring your own inner wisdom. Turn down the noise and let the inner voice guide you to the answer. If you need help, just reach out.

Conclusion:

I have been there. I know many many people who have been there and there will be loads more that are there and don’t know it. You do. I also know that it can pass. The pieces of the puzzle aren’t missing, they are just still in the box. If it wasn’t for this realisation, I would still be working as a Sales Director in a printing company, well paid, nice car, easy life, but completely disconnected with my true identity.

Good luck in exploring your identity. Keep me posted on your successes and breakthroughs. If you feel like you could do with some support or accountability, you can always book a discovery call to see how I can help you.